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A Beginners Guide To Orgasm Denial: What Is It & Why Should You Want It?

August 24, 2020

Why would you go to the brink of orgasm, and then deliberately deny yourself this pleasure?

The idea of getting off on not getting off might sound a little contradictory, but for many people, orgasm denial is a seriously pleasurable (and seriously intense) addition to sex and masturbation.

What’s more?

Just because the word ‘denial’ is being used, don’t think for a moment that you will be denied the excitement of intensely engaging sex.

Before diving deeper into this tantalizing practice, let’s answer a few basic questions.

What is Orgasm Denial?

Orgasm denial is the act of experiencing or allowing someone else to experience a high level of sexual arousal and pleasure for a long time without allowing an orgasm. It’s an area of erotic experimentation for some, and a key part of a dominant/submissive relationship for others.

Erotic sexual denial can strengthen your intimacy with a partner and lead both partners to high levels of sexual stimulation without actually orgasming. Taking a dominant role and holding off your partner’s orgasm for an extended time frame will give them toe-curling orgasms when you do finally take them over the edge.

This technique can also create an intense orgasm during solo masturbation. Deliberately holding yourself back from that moment can lead to amplified erotic fantasies and heighten the anticipation of that glorious moment.

The time frame of erotic sexual denial can last for short periods, long periods, or for those who really enjoy drawing out sex, until tasks or sexual acts are completed. It can last minutes, days, weeks, and even months depending on your sexual rulebook.

Everyone can experience erotic orgasm denial – no matter their sexual orientation. Whether straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or queer, it doesn’t matter. Holding off on an orgasm for an extended period of time or experiencing total sexual denial can rev anybody up.

How Does Orgasm Denial Work?

Let’s go over some information on the practicalities. Orgasm denial is more than just a pleasure technique. It’s a reaction of chemicals and physical responses.

The sexual response cycle has four stages that anyone irrespective of gender experiences:

  • Desire (libido)
  • Arousal (excitement)
  • Orgasm
  • Resolution

The desire phase fosters an increase in muscle tension, blood flow to the genitals, erect nipples, vaginal lubrication and pre-cum.

The arousal phase is where orgasm denial comes into its own, though it may start in the desire phase. This phase occurs on the brink of orgasm and at this point, the nerves and brain are furiously exchanging information. Breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure significantly increase, the woman’s clitoris becomes highly sensitive, the man’s testicles retract into the scrotum, and muscle spasms may begin in the feet, face, and hands.

By using tease & denial tactics, you are keeping your partner at the height of their arousal phase for longer without letting them reach the orgasm phase, which can be enjoyable for both of you.

Once you have satisfied your tease and denial fantasies, it’s time to come into the orgasm phase – pun intended. This is typically the shortest of all the phases and consists of muscle contractions and ejaculation.

Following an orgasm, the resolution phase allows the body to slowly return to its normal state. This phase often accompanies feelings of satisfaction, intimacy, and fatigue. If no more stimulation follows an orgasm, this phase will begin immediately.

What else?

The brain releases a variety of chemicals when we feel lust and attraction.

Lust stimulates the production of estrogen and testosterone in the body, which increases erotic feelings and behavior. When feeling attracted to another person dopamine levels surge, which is the same chemical produced when we feel good, like for say, during sexual stimulation.

What does this mean?

Information overload over! Simply put, orgasm denial works due to a hot, heavy mix of chemicals surging through the body. The more you lust for orgasm, the more sexual chemicals your body produces. The physical upshot of this is that when you finally reach the orgasm phase after being denied for a long time, you will be more in the mood for it than ever.

Different Types of Orgasm Denial

There are many ways to deny orgasm. Whether you are shooting for a short denial or one that leaves a submissive partner begging for an orgasm, here are a few ways to accomplish your sexual fantasies:

This is the practice of bringing a partner or yourself right to the ‘edge’– the brink of orgasm, only to stop or slow down stimulation just before reaching the climax.

Edging can be done through clitoral and genital stimulation, a prostate massage, a blowjob, intercourse or other various sexual acts – whatever gets your arousal into overload. Rile them up over and over until finally, you allow your partner or yourself to let go – sometimes with the merest touch. This can be intensely erotic for both partners, and often leads to feeling a much more intense and high-level orgasm.

Edging isn’t technically orgasm denial, as the orgasm happens in the end. But it’s an excellent alternative for those who want the teasing thought of an orgasm yet want to be rewarded for perseverance too.

Want to make it more fun?

Set a limit on the number of times you or a partner must be edged before being allowed to carry right on over that edge; or even set a timer to control the moment of release.

Edging typically lasts for a shorter time frame than many of the other tactics, and is undoubtedly more short-lived than the next tactic.

Chastity Play
Fancy indulging taking a dominant or submissive role, or adding more sexually explicit material to orgasm?

Try introducing chastity play to your relationship. This orgasm denial tactic lets the dominant person have full control over when the other person is allowed to orgasm. This tactic can cover a full spectrum – from a simple tease or command (“I want you to hold off until I see you tomorrow… don’t touch!”) to more structured chastity play, where the brink of orgasm is a lot further off.

Want to level up the kink? Introduce some restraints.

There are many chastity devices and genital restraints on the market for men and women, and there’s plenty of information online to help you choose the one (or several) that’s right for you. Many men start with penis cages, which allow you to lock a willing partner up in chastity for a period of time, only allowing them ‘free’ to get an erection and orgasm when you use the key to unlock their penis restraints.

Male chastity can be a physical and fun way to introduce a submissive aspect and let a woman take control and experience the feeling of femdom (female dominance).

Chastity devices can also be used to deny women physical pleasure. These restraints might be made of leather or metal, and some have stimulating extras such as butt plugs and dildos. Maybe refrain from those with dildos if you are performing female orgasm denial

Chastity can be introduced in many shapes, forms, and sex positions. Bondage, spreader bars, task demands, tie and tease, point earning, punishments and a lot more.

Considering it is a longer-lived tactic than edging, chastity play can last anywhere from a few days to a few months for some partners.

Orgasm Challenge
Some couples like orgasm denial to be a random – but erotic – challenge.

For example, while watching a movie count the number of times the characters say the word “come” and “wait.” During the next sexual session, the submissive partner will be teased and denied as many times as “wait” was said by the dominant partner, and will be allowed to orgasm, or as many times as “come” was said. The anticipation will send arousal levels soaring.

Have the spirit of a gambler?

Try rolling a dice or flipping a coin to decide the sexual fate of you or your partner. There are many erotic sexual denial games and ways to make orgasm denial a lot more playful than a simple tease. This is more cerebral than physical; let the mind fantasize about the outcome before deciding your fate.

What’s the Appeal of Orgasm Denial?

For Men
The most obvious appeal of orgasm denial for a male, or anybody with a penis, is that the refractory period often means only one orgasm is possible during sex or masturbation.

Once a male has orgasmed it can take a long time to build up another one. By their partner (or themselves) delaying the male orgasm and increasing the chance of blue balls, men get to spend a little more time in that pleasurable pre-orgasmic plateau. Think of it as a tease to your most sensitive areas before coming.

Similarly, orgasm denial can be used as a tool to train a man to control his release, decreasing the chance of premature ejaculation.

Orgasm denial for a man increases testosterone levels and sensitivity in the genitals, making the penis harder and more erect. Increasing testosterone and sensitivity stimulates a man’s sex drive and leads to stronger and more intense orgasms.

Plus Harvard says that prostate health is stimulated by exercise. What better way to get your blood pumping and your heart rate up than some good old-fashioned tease & denial?

For Women
Female orgasm denial gives time for people with vulvas to build up an orgasm, as it is often difficult for a woman, to climax at the same time as a man.

Orgasm denial for women makes the clitoris swell up as the arousal heightens, increasing sensitivity to sexual pleasure. As in men, building an orgasm and increasing sensitivity can lead to a higher sex drive in women, making it easier to reach climax (and potentially fewer faked orgasms).

Try edging your partner to give her the ultimate orgasm. By continuously teasing and building up the anticipation, you will increase her desire and need to climax. She may even experience sexual frustration that will lead her to beg for release.

If you want to make it even more pleasurable, try combining edging with asensual touch massage or foot foreplay. She will have goosebumps in no time.

How does orgasm denial enhance a relationship with a BDSM dynamic?

Orgasm denial takes place in BDSM when the submissive is instructed not to orgasm by the dominant partner. As orgasm denial doesn’t involve inflicting pain, this can be a popular (and erotic) method of introducing a beginner to the explicit material of BDSM and the exploration of power dynamics.

Using a cock cage or another male chastity device to orgasm denial adds an extra element –for both partners. You’re not relying on your submissive partner to try to avoid orgasming. You’re watching his sexual anguish and frustration while making it impossible for him to come without your say-so. It is femdom at its finest.

Of course, like all domination/submission activities, this kind of explicit dynamic requires informed, enthusiastic consent from both the dominant partner and the submissive partner, as well as a good knowledge of the potential risks – particularly if restraints are being used.

If you’re keen to experiment with cock cages and other chastity devices, start very slowly, especially for the submissive partner if it’s your first time. Begin by using them for short periods of time to ensure that the devices don’t cause discomfort or rubbing. With a little practice you can slowly work up to wearing the devices long periods of time, increasing the anticipation of you and your partner’s next sexual session.

Does this sound like your cup of tea?

Thanks to advances in sextech, there’s a new orgasm control tool that you might like to take advantage of.

Orgasm Denial Aides: Remote Controlled Sex

One of the appeals of chastity and orgasm control is that it can help people maintain a connection over long distances.


Some dominants will request that their submissive partner text them when they want permission to have an orgasm. They may also give them instructions on how to do it so that even when they are apart, they can maintain their explicit BDSM dynamic.

App-enabled sex toys, likeCrescendo and Tenuto, allow one partner to control the sex toy – no matter where they are in the world – while the other person uses it. The MysteryApp even lets you come up with your own vibration patterns for Crescendo and Tenuto, making orgasm denial and sex play one of a kind.

This means one partner can create specific patterns to tease or edge their submissive partner to the brink of an orgasm before using their remote powers to turn it off (or on) at just the right moment.

With a vibrating cock ring like Tenuto, a man’s sexual fate will lie in your hands. Watching the vibrator wrap around his hard penis while you stimulate it with your remote app can be incredibly erotic for you too. Tease your partner with blue balls just before giving him his sexual release, and watch him beg for that intense climax.

For erotic sexual denial games and domination/submission where a woman’s hands are tied up, Crescendo can be a great way to give her genital stimulation and edge her on. You can even switch up the roles. Let your partner control the remote while you control where the toy goes. You will quickly see where her mind wants it most.

Many other sex aids can be used to intensify orgasm denials, such as strap-ons, cock rings, erotic photos of big tits and cocks, and porn videos.

Top Tips for Orgasm Denial Play

If you’re using app-enabled sex aids to achieve your ideal orgasm, practicing with them together before you use them long-distance means you can get a good feel for the settings and patterns your partner enjoys. It also means you won’t have to waste time looking through instructions or downloading the app when you’re raring to go!

Orgasm control – whether edging or chastity play – is all about the anticipation and build-up; stimulate the mind as well as the body! Don’t focus just on the bedroom experience itself, try texting your partner to remind them not to orgasm, or tell them that you’ll be edging them later on. You can give them explicit information on how (and where, and when) it’s going to happen. Get them excited (and frustrated!) about the orgasms you may or may not let them have.

Final tip: we’ve focused a little here on orgasm control with a partner, but many people use edging in particular as a way to enhance their solo sex life. Whether you’re using a sex toy or your hands, edging yourself can be a great way to explore your own body as well as test out the impact of teasing and erotic sexual denial on the power of your orgasms.

As with everything sexual, communication is critical.

If you want to experiment with some chastity play, edging or other forms of orgasm control, start by talking to your partner about what it is that appeals to you about it, and find out what might appeal to them.

Not only will you need to talk about it before, but if you’re edging someone else, you’ll need them to give you feedback as you’re going to need to know how ‘close’ they are and when you might need to pull back to stop from tipping them over the edge.

And of course in the BSDM arena, submission should never be taken for granted – make sure that everyone is happy with the planned pleasures.

If you’re using app-enabled sex aidsto achieve your ideal orgasm, practicing with them together before you use them long-distance means you can get a good feel for the settings and patterns your partner enjoys. This is one type of long-distance relationship that’s guaranteed to work!

It also means you won’t ever have to waste time looking through instructions or downloading the app when you’re raring to go!

Orgasm control – whether edging, dominant-submissive exploration or denial games– is all about the anticipation and build-up. Don’t focus just on the bedroom experience itself, try texting your partner to remind them not to orgasm, or tell them that you’ll be edging them later on. Get them feeling excitement (and frustration!) about the orgasms you may or may not let them have.

Fly Solo
We’ve mainly focused here on orgasm control with a partner, but many people use edging in particular as a way to enhance their solo sex life.

Whether you’re using a sex toy or your hands, it doesn’t matter. Edging yourself can be a great way to explore your own body as well as test out the power of teasing and erotic sexual denial on your sexual release.

Now that you know (almost) everything about orgasm denial, experience it for yourself!

It’s never too late to spice up your sex life with new fetishes, games,sex toys, and sex positions.

Have fun!